Back in the late 90s my dad was diagnosed with an abdominal aorta aneurysm.
He was lucky that they found this and he was monitored regularly for any changes.
The day came when he needed surgery. 
My mom insisted that no one needed to go with her when he had surgery.

I was at work and I just knew that I needed to leave.
Something was telling me I needed to go.
I had to go.

I got in my car and drove to St Joseph Hospital from Adrian.
Not sure where I needed to go...I just parked the car and went into one of the entrances.

As soon as I walked in.....I saw my mom standing in the lobby.
The look of surprise on her face.
She told me she was upstairs and something told her to come down to the lobby...just as I was walking in.

Later upstairs in recovery we got to talk to my dad for just a few minutes.
I remember holding his hand and him telling me to take care of my mom and to make sure she got home okay.

that day
I learned to listen to my heart
and
I witnessed true love.

my dad's birthday today.
he used to take road trips with this friend Holly (Earl Hollenbeck)
and they would get in the car and drive, stop when they wanted and just went anywhere.
I sometimes wonder if I am on the same road he was on
if I stopped where he stopped
I wish I could ask him now
I miss him today
every day
taking a road trip today
hoping I am on the right road
hoping he would be proud of me

I have been thinking about this a lot

It is coming up on the anniversary of when I said goodbye to Otis.
Looking into those eyes and holding him while he passed....
changed me
Making that decision and picking the day
changed me

I do believe that a piece of his spirit passed through me and lives in my soul.

He got me through a lot of tough times.
Always

While Wyatt is part of my family....he really is needy and is like a baby.
Otis was my friend.
my protector
Always

never ever replaced

he gave me unconditional love
when I needed it
and when I didn't

he was a true friend
Always 

so in my "retirement" I was going to "find myself"
who I really am
not just Tyler and Kalli's mom
not just Scott's better half
not just the crazy lady with the cute dog with fangs
but who am I ?
but what I have found is
I am lucky to have such great kids
I am lucky to be married to my best friend
I am lucky to have Wyatt to love
I am who I am
each day
every day
I am me
and
that's ok
time to think about going back out in the world and be me
don't need to be found
just need to be
me

there is a light snow....softly falling.
you hardly notice it
but this morning as I walked Wyatt with tears in my eyes, 
on my cheeks
the snow felt like little hugs
little morning stars
when someone passes
your heart 
your mind
your soul
remembers

perfect

sometimes I think...I think too much

I wish I could just let it go

not be so hard on myself

how do you NOT compare yourself to others

they look perfect

perfect job

perfect house

perfect perfect perfect

I know....no one is really perfect.

I know I don't even want to be perfect.

Perfect doesn't seem like me

But what is it that I really want?

I want that feeling of

falling asleep exhausted

with my heart full

with my soul full

with that feeling of

knowing I made a difference to someone not perfect

knowing that I didn't waste myself

knowing that I left a smile in someone else's heart

knowing that I tried

I mattered

I loved

I gave

I grew

that sounds perfect to me

more than 

the perfect body

the perfect job

the perfect house

I want to feel perfect inside

where only I can see

 

Kansas- written May 6, 2012

KANSAS....before I ever heard of a Jayhawk or Danny & the Miracles or ever imagined I would LIVE in Kansas.....there was the music. I remember hearing Carry on my Wayward Son when I was a teenager..... it became one of my favorite songs. I must have listened to it a million times. Dust in the Wind.... amazing song. Today I was driving home from spending the day with Kalli and the song came on the radio. (while I was driving thru Topeka--- yes that is the band's hometown). That song still stirs my soul. Amazing to think about the path I have taken, the people that have come in and out of my life. Excited to see what the future holds. Kansas... home sweet home.

garden-- written May 20, 2012

Pretty sure my dad is looking down at my gardening skills and shaking his head....but he is also smiling      I remember when I was little he planted pumpkins for me-- so yes there are pumpkins (from our Halloween pumpkins last year). He had raspberries from my Aunt Elvira's garden (she passed away on my birthday when I was in 5th grade)---this is one of Tyler's favorites from Grandpa's garden-- so we have raspberries (they have there own garden patch). So many summer days spent in the front yard with my dad shucking peas and in the kitchen cleaning beans--- just plantied those. Grapes are growing crazy on our arbor-- my dad made grape jelly . Tomatoes are in pots-- we had rows of tomatoes and I remember the peacocks loved eating those yucky green tomato worms. Jalapeno peppers, basil, oregano, thyme and flat-leaf parsley. I am amazed at how BIG our garden was.... and how much work my little garden is.

Tarzan soundtrack -- written March 13, 2013

I was in Branson, for the basketball tournament (Siena Heights--Final Four !!) when I found out that my dad was in the hospital and would probably not make it. Tyler and I drove back to Michigan but he passed away while we were driving back. I remember this song coming on the radio several times during the trip. I felt at the time my dad was sending me a message-- that now and forever...You'll be in my heart. Whenever I hear it I think of that drive and how I knew he was gone but that he loved me.

Tarzan Soundtrack - You'll be in my heart by Phil Collins

Clips from the movie and the soundtrack from Phil Collins Check out the new video from Iron Fire - great danish band! ;) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIFOG...

last night I was sad -- written May 23, 2013

last night I was sad....... just happens now and then.
when I went to bed Wyatt crawled up on me and I told him that I wish I could have a sign from God that everything was going to turn out ok. I rolled over and I went to sleep. A couple hours later I woke up.... and I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was very comforting and I knew that it was my sign. Turned out to be a puppy paw....Wyatt was sitting next to me with his paw on my shoulder (he had never done this before).... but I knew. God sends you signs of hope and love....all thru your day and all thru your life. I hope today you recognize his "sign" to you.

didn't realize -- written June 28, 2013

I didn't realize just how sad I have been since October. I was fortunate that I could see my husband every weekend, that I could talk to him whenever.....a lot of families don't have that option. But every Monday morning when he got up (crazy early) to drive to Lindsborg for the week..........my heart broke a little....each week a little more. I joked around about having the best of both worlds, house to myself during week-- hubby on weekends....but now that it is coming to an end....I want to yell it to the world that I HATED this. Scott -- Home is not home without you.....if the next chapter we are apart again, I will put on a smile and do what needs to be done....but until then I am going to have a happy happy happy heart because my best friend is back with me.

my favorite time of each day--- written September 24, 2013

my favorite time of each day is walking Wyatt.

tonight the air was cool,
the sky was full of stars and I just felt my soul open and I could breath. 

I have been a little lost...a little missing....my head and my heart not connected.

but in the morning walks....and in the dark nightly walks....I feel myself reconnecting.
the beauty of a sunrise....the sunset.... the spider webs....the noise of the silence...the joggers....Wyatt's curly pug tail dancing down the sidewalk....

I feel my spirit....I feel like myself....I feel my soul smiling

last walk --- written November 17, 2013

Wyatt and I just came in from a late night walk......our last one in Lawrence.
I loved these walks
Tonight was special.
I wanted to remember the way I feel in the Kansas moonlight.
The wind whispering to me
The stars shining so bright 
The trees
The air 
The night magic
All saying good bye to me and my funny little dog
Thank you for making me feel a part of something bigger
Something special

one of my favorite Christmas trees --- written December 21, 2013

This is one of my favorite Christmas trees.
In 2000, we moved to Tulsa and lived in an apartment.
I made our tree from poster board....everyone in family traced and traced and traced their hands and we cut them out to make our tree.
over the years we had some spectacular trees....but this one will always be special to me.

my hope for 2014 -- written December 30, 2013

my hope for 2014:
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you

not a new idea.....
but my hope that people will LOVE one another
stop the bullying, the judging, the bigotry, the hatred.
I have so much love and respect for many friends who have to deal with this everyday.....and they deserve to be treated as equals-- in every way.

let's make 2014 GOLDEN and follow that rule.

One of my favorite New Years Eve memories- written December 31, 2013

one of my favorite New Years Eve memories

Dec 31, 1999
Y2K was on the way

I had to work in the morning to make sure the computers didn't freak out.
People were hoarding food, buying guns, taking all their money from the bank.

scary

Of course I thought everything would be ok....but hey I was a little worried.

Kids were at Grandma's and Grandpa's.
Scott and I were home alone.
We went into the backyard and laid in the hammock.
Wrapped in lots of layers of blankets
(it was Michigan !!)
and watched the stars.

Heard fireworks at midnight

Y2K--- we survived !!!

but lost my dad that year
moved to Tulsa

You never know what life is going to bring you

I think about all the people
all the adventures
all the ups and downs
since that quiet New Years Eve

Now I am curled up on the couch with my hubby and puppy
in Illinois
empty nest

Looking forward to all the people
all the adventures
more ups and downs
that I will experience
going forward from this quiet New Years Eve

Glad you are along for the ride

HAPPY NEW YEAR
HAPPY 2014